Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
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[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
*watches the world burn*
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Expect the unexporcupine.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.