Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
You Might Also Like
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Lmbo
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
🙂🐾
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.