Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
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911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.