Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
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him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I am all good here, 😂😉
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.