ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
You Might Also Like
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Oh. My. God.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
They’re not wrong
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long