What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?