Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
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me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?