The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
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“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense