Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-