Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
You Might Also Like
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you