me when i see my girls butt
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Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
opening twitter today
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Get in loser we’re going crying
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”