Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
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Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.