“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
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A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
multitasking lunch
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?