10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
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Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
smartest karate player in the world
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.