Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
mom had nothing to worry about
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
He just like my cat fr
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.