me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
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Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
The pasta is now
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.