Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
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COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
The game has officially changed 😎
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon