a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
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*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Double negatives are never not confusing.