Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
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Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I don’t make the rules sorry
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.