Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
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Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Need this in my life lol
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb