‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
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(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.