6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
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superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
*puts my mental health in rice
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot