When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
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You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.