twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
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The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Lmfaoooooo
The days of good grammer has went
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I hate everything
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.