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never compromise your values
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.