What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
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Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
How to find Kentucky on a map
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.