One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
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I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
それは草
Basketball games are very squeaky.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
real
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30