I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
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(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.