[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
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ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.