boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
You Might Also Like
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k