For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
You Might Also Like
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*