No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
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I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.