I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
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Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Ferrari squats
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.