Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
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me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Thrilling chase underway
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity