psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
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My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there