You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
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Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.