*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
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My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.