When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
You Might Also Like
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.