Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
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Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 馃槶馃槶
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I don鈥檛 know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won鈥檛 stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Him: you鈥檙e not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don鈥檛 fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don鈥檛 fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON鈥橳 FIT, OK?!
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Meanwhile in Canada…
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 馃槀
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I can鈥檛 stop laughing 馃ぃ
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y鈥檃ll doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y鈥橝LL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that鈥檚 better
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.