I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
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gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.