When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
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the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
2022 be like
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
My first son he is wonderful
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
dream blunt rotation
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me