Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
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coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife: