[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
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[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why