What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.