Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
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Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable