The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.