Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
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I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
got so much cardio in today
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.