Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
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When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Banking tips
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation