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Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.