My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
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My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?